meeting my standard, letting go of my childish desires

I think I've met my "standard."

Last night, after rehearsal for Sunday morning service, I joined the "angels" for drinks and dinner at Chili's. For the first time in months (or in over a year?) we were finally reunited. We weren't alone, however, as a certain male celebrity (whose name I will not mention) decided to join us for some girlish bonding.

Well he certainly got more than what he bargained for. ;p

As the evening wore on and cocktails flowed, after grilling my "granny" on her love life, we began talking about mine and granny's LIST. You know, that list of standards for meeting THAT person, God's GIFT, that everyone ought to keep. We probably spent a third of the evening debating on the topic of keeping a list. And defending our singlehood. Apparently our new friend finds it inconceivable to be a single, happy female. He believes that one cannot be complete without being with that special someone. On a religious AND philosophical point of view, I couldn't be more opposed.

This guy must be a fan of Jerry Macguire. (While I love that movie, I disagree with the whole "You complete me" notion.) I love Cameron Crowe but I think people have unwittingly misread the concept of finding THAT person because of that line. While beautiful, lyrical, and poetic (which I'm certain has had many hearts a-flutter) I firmly believe that we can never find fulfillment in another human being. Our happiness is not dependent on our romantic state. And happy singleness does not mean you're just CONTENT. Happiness is being more than content.

I am HAPPY because I know that I am MEANT to be single right now. Because I know God is preparing me to meet THE ONE. I am single because I'm not yet READY to be with someone. But I'm getting there. :)

By faith I know that soon I will relinquish my singlehood. :) Strangely, there is this feeling that I am being distracted but I know I am pursuing this preparation. It is difficult, guarding your heart, and I will readily admit that I'm not always successful. But now I have something to look forward to.

I am encouraged because I just realized that I have already met my "standard."

He is so.. INSPIRING. To me, he is such a MAN. Most of all, when I am near him I can't help but admire him. He has the capacity to both awe and frighten me.

In philosophy we discussed MYSTERIUM TREMENDUM ET FASCINANS. He evokes that of me (at least the 'fascinans' part), just like how religion evokes the same in all of us, that is, a feeling that is both great and terrible (bear in mind that in philosophy "terrible" is not a negative term) that I am drawn to him. He intimidates me and I am NOT easily intimidated by anyone. Or anything.

I've met so many "manly" men before but none of them have ever made me stop and think.. "Wow. This guy is amazing. I wish I could meet someone like him." I admire his honesty, his frankness, his braveness and his determination to stand up for himself.

The funny thing is, I've never really met a guy who I can just admire. I've had numerous crushes, fallen "in-love" a couple of times, but never just met someone who I really truly admire. This isn't a crush. It's ADMIRATION. If he is but a glimpse of what God is preparing me for, I really do have something to be excited about. :)

By revealing this person, this man, God is showing me that I am no longer a "baby." I am a WOMAN. Observing this man, seeing his maturity, it makes me want to give up the follies of my youth and be the woman God intended me to be. Maybe not for HIM (my standard) per se, but for the man he hints at, the man who is meant for me. :)

For the past few days, I've been plagued with the thought of being "old." I'm already 26, after all. The last thing I want to be is one of those people who pretend they're younger than they really are. Now, I DON'T MEAN acting your age. It's refusing to acknowledge that you are old enough to be mature about certain things. I have great respect for people who possess and revel in their "inner child" but I have no tolerance for people who act like children.

I've never felt such a strong desire to be a WOMAN, the woman God has intended for me to be. So say goodbye to the 6-year old Chiko and hello to the 26-year old who may have the disposition of a woman but the heart of a child.